So You're Leaving Academia for the Real World
Last Updated on Tuesday, 15 December 2009 18:31 Saturday, 28 November 2009 17:43
The ivory tower’s a comfortable place. Academia gives you the leeway to explore your bizarre interests to the hilt, and as long as you’re getting people to publish your 30 page diatribes on why Ice T and Body Count were the urban intellectual’s answer to Huey Lewis and the News, ain’t nobody gonna stop ya. Academia also boasts the benefits of showing up to work the same unironed Batman t-shirt for a week and, while the benefits are certainly all over the grid for those in adjunct hell, there’s a magic little something called “tenure” that keeps everyone clambering for the stars.
But maybe you’ve discovered you really like a set quittin-time, and the thought of grading another stack of 80 essays on the pros and cons of abortion makes you want to hide behind the dryer. Maybe you’re sick of words like “reify.” Maybe you want to earn a living wage.
I jumped over to the real world myself a little over a year ago, and by now I think I know my way around a cubicle (if you know what I’m sayin). So if you’re one of those about to embark on a fabulous journey into the commuter lane, this article’s for you—here’s a little taste of what you can expect:
Y’know that powertrip you get from standing in front of a classroom of freshmen? The way those kids have to deal with whatever you throw at them, and as long as no one cries you’re just kind of “at large”? Yeah, not so much in the real world. If the powertrip’s really your thing, try to get a job that involves a lot of presentations and committee chairpersonships. You’ll get to yap on for hours.
Get ready for this novelty: In the real world, people actually say things like “action items” and “moving forward” and “corporate culture.” They say it all the time. I mean, I’m just spitballin’ here.
In the business world, we abbreviate follow up as f/u. Relish this little perk as you make your daily to-do lists:
f/u Acme Pharmaceuticals
f/u John Smith
f/u CEO’s drycleaning
f/u business card vendor
etc.
Everyone complains about business travel, but it’s very possible to have fun with it. Aside from weeping in the airport, it’s also often acceptable to go to dinner and order an appetizer AND a glass of wine and put the whole thing on your expense report. Rental cars are also awesome—try out a Ford Flex in Chicago, maybe a Kia Sorento in Denver. Fiddle with the radio presets so that the next driver can enjoy the local Latino station at full volume. And, if you’re like me and too cheap for cable, I’ve got three words for you: Hotel Room TV.
It’s time to start cleaning up your act: your desk, your briefcase, your pockets, your hair, you name it. Regardless of how your hippie parents raised you to feel about yourself, appearance matters now. And people are going to judge you on it. I know, I know, judgment’s an ugly word, but here in the real world…the truth’s a little ugly. Like your Skechers dress shoes.
And while we’re on that topic:
Oh gawd.
SUITS.
Seriously.
Suits.
There’s two kinds of people: the Students are always late, and the Grown Ups are always on time. Here in the real world, you’re considered a Grown Up. (Did you know 60% of people ages 12-24 don’t wear a watch? Did you know 14% of Pakistanis use their mobile phones instead of looking at a watch?)
You’re gonna make a lot of money in the real world. Like ballin’ fo real money, son. You might even start thinking about setting some of that money aside for a new pre-owned Japanese car.
Being young, hip and broke, you are probably going to be among the coolest people in the office. Just be friendly to people too, and ka-ching—you’re instant office prom queen. (Or class president or head cheerleader or whatever broken dream you still cling to.)
And finally….
In the real world, happy hour is scheduled perfectly to coincide with quittin-time. Awesome.
Sure, collared shirts and Lean Cuisine lunches might seem a little mainstream, and working for 8 consecutive hours at a time 5 days a week definitely takes some getting used to. But the real world ain’t all bad, friends: there’s always free coffee in the breakroom, health insurance kicks in almost immediately, and really, who doesn’t love handing out business cards. Good luck!